Disclaimer....this post could be depressing and/or boring so be forewarned.
Where do I start? I have been doing this blogging thing for about 2 years or so, give or take and I have enjoyed it. I usually keep my posts positive and happy and about the good things going on in our lives....however, just because this blog is always happy, doesn't mean that occasionally things are kinda crappy. I've been a little down in the dumps as of late and can't quite pin it down to one thing but a few things.
-My weight...I put this first because this is probably the biggest downer with me right now. I really hate it and while I know I'm not ginormous (sp), I am definitely in the "overweight" category. It even told me that when I did a BMI assessment online. Not that I needed that to tell me what stares me in the face every night. I go to the gym pretty regularly and I try to watch what I eat but if I eat one bad thing, I'm doomed. All I seem to be able to do is maintain and as far as losing, I pretty much have to starve myself. Ewww I hate it. It's not fun for me to go clothes shopping because none of the cute stuff looks cute on me. It gets quite depressing.
-My life...I LOVE that I am a mom to Noah and he is my world so don't get me wrong but at this point in my life, I always imagined that I would have 4 or 5 kids and be happily married. Now I'm divorced twice and not sure that I want to take the plunge again after 2 bad experiences. I hate that Noah doesn't have siblings and doesn't know what its like to grow up with siblings and 2 parents in the home. I try to pattern things in our life as though we do have a family but our family is just the 2 of us. I still try and do things with him like FHE and family activities even though it is just us. I hate that he is growing up so fast. Please time...just stop and let me enjoy his childhood a little longer.
-My age...okay, I'll be turning 39 soon and then next is the big 4-0. I can't stand the thought of it. I think next year on my birthday, I will just want to curl up in a ball and die. I wish there were some way to stop it, to freeze myself in my current age..Why do we have to get old? Seriously, is it really necessary? Awww!!!
-My job...so I've been a nurse for 15 years and for all of those 15 years, I have had job security. I could work anywhere, anytime, work overtime,etc. Now suddenly, in the past few months, there is an overabundance of nurses and its harder to get my hours and shifts that I want. There has been talk of layoffs and it just scares the crap out of me!! I'm a single mom and I'm the bread winner. I just pray that I can keep my job and get the hours I need to make ends meet.
Well, I feel better now that I vented. I really didn't mean this as a "poor me" post but I know it sounds that way. I know I need to be grateful for the blessings that I do have. I know there are people who definitely have it worse than me. I guess I just wanted to blog about this because although we do a lot of fun things and are enjoying life, it isn't always that way. Sometimes I let my fears get in the way and I know life just isn't rosey all the time. So I figured I was just keepin' it real.
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3 comments:
Girl I love this post. Not because of what you are sad about, but because I can tell it came straight from your heart. I know that sounds so cheesy! But we don't talk about this stuff very often and I wondered how you felt. I just hope you know how much I admire you. I think you are so amazing to be a single mom and do all the things you do. I honestly don't know how you do it. You do so many fun things with Noah. I want to be like that with my boys.
Anyway I love you sis. You are the funnest person. I can't wait to play tomorrow! (hopefully tonight!) I think next year on your 40th B-day we should go party somewhere good. San Diego? Let's get away just the girls for good trip!
I can't believe I was with you all weekend and hadn't read this. I love you so much and I agree with Tara that was a post straight from the heart. I loved reading it and I feel like it brings us closer to you. I admire you so much too and couldn't imagine another person I would want for a sister besides you! I am in for the 40th big party. We will go somewhere fun to make it a great celebration! Love you so much sis!
Cindy - I have stalked your blog from time to time, and I really enjoy your posts. It's ok to feel like you do occasionally - I think we all do. Just wanted you to know that you are doing a great job with Noah, and you should do something when you turn 40. You are a good person, and that's most important. And I think your clothes are always cute.
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